"Crisis Perspective"
Perhaps you are feeling like you are trapped in an unbearable and unsatisfying marriage! Are you desperate to understand how things got so bad in your marriage with the person you thought you loved?
This claustrophobic feeling of being trapped is called the "crisis perspective." Since you are here in search of help to break out of the feeling of being trapped so that you can save your marriage and make it better, the helpful effects of a positive attitude concerning your marriage will be the topic of focus.
You can save your marriage by seeing the big picture, using your crisis instinct for "good," determining the causes and solutions of marriage problems, and using effective communication. For the sake of fixing the problems, let us look at how the marriage has deteriorated so that we can have a beginning point for building it back up.
How did the Marriage Come to the Point of Divorce?
Somewhere along the way complacency, boredom, and resentment towards each other took hold of your marriage. As a result, you have been drifting towards relational shipwreck with your spouse. Perhaps, all that you can see and feel is dread concerning the marriage, how difficult the relationship has become, and desperation to escape your feeling of being in prison. One or both of you in the marriage may have suggested or considered divorce as an option to solve your marriage problems.
As such, if you do not want a divorce, then the prospect of divorce could be a determining factor for your marriage crisis perspective. Therefore, there could be another way of looking at your crisis perspective. If you have a sense of panic, then this may indicate that you may not really want to pursue divorce as an option for solving this marriage crisis.
A Perspective Concerning the "Big Picture"
Success is refusal to give up under pressure, while learning from failures, and building on the success of each goal along the way. This perspective takes into account many factors concerning motive for beginning to accomplish a goal, as well as keeping the end goal in sight.
Marriage often has the goal in mind of happiness, companionship, satisfaction, support, and stability at the onset of the marriage. However, without a unifying vision the purpose of a relationship can be allowed to slip. Strongly identifiable marriage pressures, such as financial, work, and child rearing stress can take over the purpose of the marriage with harmful results. To combat this negative effect of stress, each marriage partner could find a purpose that allows him or her to "rise above" these stresses. Contributing his or her unique talents and abilities in a marriage that has a unifying vision allows husbands and wives to have the potential to "rise above it all."
In each moment of marriage crisis, take a deep breath, mentally sweep aside any outside marriage pressure and decide to focus on a goal that both you and your spouse decided to accomplish. Also both you and your spouse could decide to establish a new vision for the marriage. That new vision for the marriage could be the very survival of the marriage. A focus on the combination of the qualitative desires of happiness, companionship, satisfaction, support, and stability with a focus on the overall vision for the marriage will allow you to escape from the "crisis perspective" in order to be able to focus on an inspirational "big picture" for the life of your marriage.
Use Your "Save Your Marriage" Instinct
If you use each "crisis instinct" constructively with good intentions, then it could become a valuable "save your marriage" instinct. It is with that in mind that I want to encourage you to neither ignore your instincts, nor give up on your marriage. You do not have to give up on the dreams you and your spouse made when you started your marriage. The key to making all of this a reality for you and your spouse depends on both of your willingness to make the necessary steps to identify, solve, and continue to improve on those things that got the marriage off-course.
Identify and solve the marriage problems
If divorce has been considered or not considered, it is important to determine which reasons for conflict and marriage problems have contributed to the crisis condition of your marriage. Some marriage problem suggestions include:
Infidelity
Becoming adversaries instead of loving partners
Living in two separate worlds with nothing in common
Losing the ability to communicate effectively
Losing the desire to communicate with each other
Losing the desire to be intimate together on a regular basis
Allowing family and outside stresses to interfere with the harmony of your marriage
Allowing child rearing commitment to replace the marriage commitment to each other
Marriage problems vary from one married couple to another. However, it is important to sit down with your spouse and write down all of your relevant marriage problems together. This will allow you to come up with possibly potential ways to solve these damaging marriage problems. It is important to be open to coming up with trying out various options and solutions to solving each problem. Once you have some firm strategies for solving problems in your married life, make a set schedule in your week to continue communication. Also, use these times as opportunities for making the needed changes, which could save the marriage.
Only deviate from the schedule if the process of solving your marriage problems causes a "flare-up" of anger and conflict. In that case, take a break from one another to cool-off with a new time scheduled to meet in order to finish the problem solving portion of your marriage restoration efforts. To prevent "flare-ups" of such conflict, it is advised that each partner in the marriage refrain from using accusatory statements. Instead only use statements that describe how you felt in and about a certain situation.
Open-Ended Communication
Also, these sessions should use open-discourse or open-ended communication that allows for respect of all statements and opinions. Open discourse allows for ongoing problem solving that you can use as a topic progresses and solutions are determined. In fact, these methods could make the marriage better than it had been in previous seasons of the marriage. The positive nature of this communication strategy should foster the creation and/or renewal of an intense passion for each other.
Understand the Benefits of a Having a Stable and Loving Marriage as a New Goal
While you begin to see positive changes in your relationship due to handling marriage problems together it is important to focus on improving the quality of your relationship. It is important to focus on experimenting on solutions for providing the best possible mutual satisfaction to each other in your marriage. Strengthening your ability to communicate should ensure that each of you will enjoy a greater emotional and physical sense of satisfaction within your marriage. This will make the concept of considering your marriage to be a lifelong bond between the two of you a much more completing and gratifying prospect to achieve in the future.
Conclusion
No matter how much the bitterness between you and your spouse seems intolerable or how difficult both of you find it is to live with each other be assured that there is hope to save your marriage. Don't ignore your instinct to save your marriage and don't give up on the dream the two of you started out with for the marriage.
Use a positive perspective concerning the big picture of your marriage as an inspirational tool that will help you reignite love, trust, and understanding so that you can conquer each and every marriage problem as a strong partnership. The two of you can become that strong partnership through caring understanding of each other, deciding to honor each other lovingly based on that understanding, and a daily will to fight for your marriage together.
The payoff of successfully saving your marriage should result in the prevention of allowing anger, frustration, and bitterness from taking over your marriage. The other side of the payoff should be expressed as a more intense passion for each other. After all, your marriage was taken to the brink of destruction and rebuilt to become a "built to last" marriage with a strong vision for the future.
"James Hess writes about marriage restoration and relationship building. Visit James and his wife's site at http://www.keepmarriagealive.com we are dedicated to helping as many marriages as possible to be made stronger by helping married couples discover marriage saving cures, passion building tips and advice." Click Save Marriage to get your Free "Rescue Relationship Report."
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