Do Marriage Counselors Do More Harm Than Good?

Before you begin screening marriage counselors to help you save your marriage, you MUST consider the potential drawbacks of marriage counseling so you can get all your facts straight FIRST. This article will help you avoid making a costly mistake that could not only set you back financially...but cost you your marriage as well.

In July of 1999, at a conference for professional marriage counselors, a credible marriage counselor by the name of Dr. William J. Doherty, gave a shocking report on the state of marriage counseling to his fellow professionals.

According to Doherty, most marriage counseling is HAZARDOUS, not helpful to your marriage.

Therapy-based, American style marriage counseling (practiced by most marriage counselors) can actually do more HARM than good in your marriage.

All hope is NOT lost however, for the rising number of struggling couples. There ARE more effective alternatives to marriage counseling - they are so effective in fact that even professional marriage counselors are admitting that couples need MARRIAGE EDUCATION more than they do marriage therapy.

In June of 1999, USA Today reported that, "Even fans of marriage counseling are saying disturbing things. Research shows that it doesn't work as well as we once thought and it might not last." That report reinforce the research that shows a great majority of marriage counselors conducting therapy have had no formal training at all.

This research further documented that two years after couples went through marriage counseling, 25% of the couples were WORSE OFF than before they started the therapy.

Up to 38% of them actually divorced.

Perhaps what's even more shocking is the fact that therapists who actually work with COUPLES, are in the minority.

80% of all private practice marriage counselors in the U.S. say they conduct marriage therapy, yet only 12% are in a profession that requires them to take EVEN ONE course on dealing with couples.

If you ask marriage counselors about their approach, the vast majority will tell you that they find working with individuals much more "productive" than working with couples.

Dr. William J. Doherty stated, "Couples therapy is the most difficult therapy of all because every session starts with the threat of divorce".

After training marriage counselors for a living, in his 1999 address at the conference for professional marriage counselors, Dr. Doherty called the methods of marriage counselors, "Hazardous to your marital health."

He established four ways that marriage counselors have produced DESTRUCTIVE outcomes in marriages.

According to Doherty, there are four ways marriage counselors can do more harm than good in your marriage...

1. By being incompetent

2. By being neutral

3. By pathologizing (telling you why your marriage is "sick")

4. By being overtly undermining (attempting to break up the marriage)

INCOMPETENT: In the case of incompetent marriage counselors, the counselor has not been trained to work with couples together. They believe working with two people is an expanded version of working with one, but it is not. An individual is easy to listen to, but a battling couple is not. Working with couples requires skill, structure and a very different approach than one-on-one therapy.

NEUTRAL: These marriage counselors, Doherty claims, are not neutral about marriage at all. When a counselor appears to be neutral, but actually takes sides with the more self-oriented spouse, they are undermining the marriage. "When a counselor uses the language of individual self interests, it undercuts the moral commitment that is owed to the marriage." Doherty stated.

PATHOLOGIZING: Pathologizing is when marriage counselors build a case insisting that the couple has a "sick" relationship. They actually ENCOURAGE couples to get a divorce by saying things like, "Why SHOULD YOU hang in there? Why be a victim?" These marriage counselors make couples believe that they're being abused, which causes both spouses to draw their only conclusion: "If the professional thinks this is over, then I should too."

UNDERMINING: While telling couples what they should do is against the code of ethics of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy, many therapists still do it. These therapists say phrases like, "You should probably end this marriage." or, "If you're going to stay sane, you should move out." Undermining therapists urge husbands and wives to sever their relationships with family members and spouses.

If you're looking for a good marriage counselor, Dr. Doherty urges you to ask questions first. Learn about the therapists' values by asking questions like these:

1. Are you self taught, workshop-trained or college educated in working with couples?

Bad Answer: College educated.

Good Answer: Self taught or workshop trained and they speak convincingly about how their program saves marriages.

2. What is your attitude about saving a troubled marriage vs. helping a couple break up?

Bad Answer: "It's not my decision. Couples have to make their own decision." (This is an evasive answer...not a good sign.)

Good Answer: "I help couples find ways to stay together and help them understand and overcome their problems."

3. Where do you stand when one spouse wants to stay and the other wants a divorce?

Bad Answer: "I try to get people to understand their own feelings." (This is a focus on the individual, NOT the couple.)

Good Answer: "This is normally what I see with couples. I have ways to help them both handle this in positive ways."

4. What percentage of your practice involves both husband and wife?

Bad Answer: "I find working with husbands and wives individually to be more practical."

Good Answer: "All of it. When both people are with me and following my process, I find they have the greatest success rate."

5. Of all the couples you treat, what percentage stay married and have a better marriage in the end?

Bad Answer: "100%" or "I don't keep that type of information."

Good Answer: About 70 to 80% stay happily married, while the rest drop out of my process and are unwilling to finish.

The difference in the answers you receive from marriage counselors is the feeling you get when you talk with them. Bad answers feel evasive or vague while good answers are confident and positive.

Now that you know the right questions to ask, you can confidently screen marriage counselors, separating the GOOD from the bad. But if you're hesitant about bringing a marriage counselor into your marriage, as Dr. Doherty suggested, marriage education might be the answer you're looking for.

Want to get back on track with the one you love? Find out if you’re already on the "Secret Path" to Divorce and learn how to stay off it forever. Get your FREE Special Report at http://www.stopyourdivorcein4weeks.com/secret.html.

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Save Marriage Success: How to Save My Marriage by Making It Better!

"Crisis Perspective"

Perhaps you are feeling like you are trapped in an unbearable and unsatisfying marriage! Are you desperate to understand how things got so bad in your marriage with the person you thought you loved?

This claustrophobic feeling of being trapped is called the "crisis perspective." Since you are here in search of help to break out of the feeling of being trapped so that you can save your marriage and make it better, the helpful effects of a positive attitude concerning your marriage will be the topic of focus.

You can save your marriage by seeing the big picture, using your crisis instinct for "good," determining the causes and solutions of marriage problems, and using effective communication. For the sake of fixing the problems, let us look at how the marriage has deteriorated so that we can have a beginning point for building it back up.

How did the Marriage Come to the Point of Divorce?

Somewhere along the way complacency, boredom, and resentment towards each other took hold of your marriage. As a result, you have been drifting towards relational shipwreck with your spouse. Perhaps, all that you can see and feel is dread concerning the marriage, how difficult the relationship has become, and desperation to escape your feeling of being in prison. One or both of you in the marriage may have suggested or considered divorce as an option to solve your marriage problems.

As such, if you do not want a divorce, then the prospect of divorce could be a determining factor for your marriage crisis perspective. Therefore, there could be another way of looking at your crisis perspective. If you have a sense of panic, then this may indicate that you may not really want to pursue divorce as an option for solving this marriage crisis.

A Perspective Concerning the "Big Picture"

Success is refusal to give up under pressure, while learning from failures, and building on the success of each goal along the way. This perspective takes into account many factors concerning motive for beginning to accomplish a goal, as well as keeping the end goal in sight.

Marriage often has the goal in mind of happiness, companionship, satisfaction, support, and stability at the onset of the marriage. However, without a unifying vision the purpose of a relationship can be allowed to slip. Strongly identifiable marriage pressures, such as financial, work, and child rearing stress can take over the purpose of the marriage with harmful results. To combat this negative effect of stress, each marriage partner could find a purpose that allows him or her to "rise above" these stresses. Contributing his or her unique talents and abilities in a marriage that has a unifying vision allows husbands and wives to have the potential to "rise above it all."

In each moment of marriage crisis, take a deep breath, mentally sweep aside any outside marriage pressure and decide to focus on a goal that both you and your spouse decided to accomplish. Also both you and your spouse could decide to establish a new vision for the marriage. That new vision for the marriage could be the very survival of the marriage. A focus on the combination of the qualitative desires of happiness, companionship, satisfaction, support, and stability with a focus on the overall vision for the marriage will allow you to escape from the "crisis perspective" in order to be able to focus on an inspirational "big picture" for the life of your marriage.

Use Your "Save Your Marriage" Instinct

If you use each "crisis instinct" constructively with good intentions, then it could become a valuable "save your marriage" instinct. It is with that in mind that I want to encourage you to neither ignore your instincts, nor give up on your marriage. You do not have to give up on the dreams you and your spouse made when you started your marriage. The key to making all of this a reality for you and your spouse depends on both of your willingness to make the necessary steps to identify, solve, and continue to improve on those things that got the marriage off-course.

Identify and solve the marriage problems

If divorce has been considered or not considered, it is important to determine which reasons for conflict and marriage problems have contributed to the crisis condition of your marriage. Some marriage problem suggestions include:

Infidelity

Becoming adversaries instead of loving partners

Living in two separate worlds with nothing in common

Losing the ability to communicate effectively

Losing the desire to communicate with each other

Losing the desire to be intimate together on a regular basis

Allowing family and outside stresses to interfere with the harmony of your marriage

Allowing child rearing commitment to replace the marriage commitment to each other

Marriage problems vary from one married couple to another. However, it is important to sit down with your spouse and write down all of your relevant marriage problems together. This will allow you to come up with possibly potential ways to solve these damaging marriage problems. It is important to be open to coming up with trying out various options and solutions to solving each problem. Once you have some firm strategies for solving problems in your married life, make a set schedule in your week to continue communication. Also, use these times as opportunities for making the needed changes, which could save the marriage.

Only deviate from the schedule if the process of solving your marriage problems causes a "flare-up" of anger and conflict. In that case, take a break from one another to cool-off with a new time scheduled to meet in order to finish the problem solving portion of your marriage restoration efforts. To prevent "flare-ups" of such conflict, it is advised that each partner in the marriage refrain from using accusatory statements. Instead only use statements that describe how you felt in and about a certain situation.

Open-Ended Communication

Also, these sessions should use open-discourse or open-ended communication that allows for respect of all statements and opinions. Open discourse allows for ongoing problem solving that you can use as a topic progresses and solutions are determined. In fact, these methods could make the marriage better than it had been in previous seasons of the marriage. The positive nature of this communication strategy should foster the creation and/or renewal of an intense passion for each other.

Understand the Benefits of a Having a Stable and Loving Marriage as a New Goal

While you begin to see positive changes in your relationship due to handling marriage problems together it is important to focus on improving the quality of your relationship. It is important to focus on experimenting on solutions for providing the best possible mutual satisfaction to each other in your marriage. Strengthening your ability to communicate should ensure that each of you will enjoy a greater emotional and physical sense of satisfaction within your marriage. This will make the concept of considering your marriage to be a lifelong bond between the two of you a much more completing and gratifying prospect to achieve in the future.

Conclusion

No matter how much the bitterness between you and your spouse seems intolerable or how difficult both of you find it is to live with each other be assured that there is hope to save your marriage. Don't ignore your instinct to save your marriage and don't give up on the dream the two of you started out with for the marriage.

Use a positive perspective concerning the big picture of your marriage as an inspirational tool that will help you reignite love, trust, and understanding so that you can conquer each and every marriage problem as a strong partnership. The two of you can become that strong partnership through caring understanding of each other, deciding to honor each other lovingly based on that understanding, and a daily will to fight for your marriage together.

The payoff of successfully saving your marriage should result in the prevention of allowing anger, frustration, and bitterness from taking over your marriage. The other side of the payoff should be expressed as a more intense passion for each other. After all, your marriage was taken to the brink of destruction and rebuilt to become a "built to last" marriage with a strong vision for the future.

"James Hess writes about marriage restoration and relationship building. Visit James and his wife's site at http://www.keepmarriagealive.com we are dedicated to helping as many marriages as possible to be made stronger by helping married couples discover marriage saving cures, passion building tips and advice." Click Save Marriage to get your Free "Rescue Relationship Report."

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God's Blue Print for Saving Marriages

"All things were created by Him and for Him...and in Him all things hold together" (Colossians 1:16b-17a). Having a successful marriage first requires you to understand what God had in mind for marriage. After all, If you want to understand the purpose behind an invention, you consult the One who invented it, right!

Since marriage is God's creation, He is in the saving marriages business. God created marriage for three very specific reasons, just like He created you, for very specific reasons. Our lives are more satisfying when we cooperate with God in fulfilling our purposes. Marriage is no exception...

First, you've probably learned that men and women were made in God's image (Gen. 1:26-27). But, did you know that within the marriage relationship husbands and wives also bear the image of God? They do this by demonstrating love and faithfulness to each other...like God does with us. You see, God covenants with His people, husbands and wives covenant to each other and God. So marriage was created to reflect God's faithfulness in the world.

The second reason God created marriage was to meet human needs. Needs for food, shelter and clothing as well as needs for love, acceptance, intimacy, and faithfulness. In that way marriage is a picture to the world of how God provides for His people.

Marriage is God's conduit for love. It was designed to be a safe harbor where a man and a woman could be totally naked and unashamed. A place where they could experience the unconditional love and acceptance of God through each other.

Third, marriage is one of the ways God expands His Kingdom and accomplishes His work in the earth. He commanded men and women to go forth and multiply, be fruitful and take dominion over the earth(Genesis 1:28).
Unfortunately, it is very difficult to do as God commanded when you are at odds with your spouse. Conflict drains our emotional and creative energies. Sadly, many husbands and wives feel like they are sleeping with the enemy instead of with their comrade in arms.

Marriage was designed with unity in mind. When a husband and wife are on the same page, so to speak, they are reflecting the unity of the Godhead. "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh" (Genesis 2:24). Unity is so important that Jesus told us it would be a great sign to the world testifying that He truly is the Son of God (John 17:23).

Okay, now you have the general idea God had in mind when He designed marriage, but saving marriage requires a plan.

First, you need to decide, once and for all, are you going to commit to honoring God through your marriage. Are you going to do it God's way? Are you going to trust His word, His plan and His design? If you answered yes, let's move on...

If you're making a plan to improve or save your marriage you need to start out on the right foot. That means getting right with God and your spouse first! To get right requires humility. It requires taking responsibility for the negative, sinful things you have contributed to your marriage without justifying yourself or blaming your spouse.

Confession of sin can be a turning point in our lives. It means we are in agreement with God about our sin and we are choosing to turn away from it. When we do this, God's word promises to give us the power to accomplish that. Some of the things you may want to consider confessing are: the ways in which you have not trusted and honored God, the ways you have not obeyed His word, the consequences of your choices to you, your spouse and your marriage.

Exercising humility is a crucial part of any saving marriages plan. Making confession of sin a regular part of your marriage will keep you humble and help to maintain emotional intimacy. Apologies go a long way in keeping our hearts pliable and loving towards our spouse and God.

The next step in the saving marriages blueprint is making a plan for knowing your spouse's most important needs. You also must become intentional about meeting those needs. Your spouse will feel more connected and in love with you when you are meeting his/her most important emotional needs.

Regular prayer is necessary for a successful marriage. Pray that God would show His love and faithfulness to your spouse through you. Prayer is how we experience the personal relationship we have with God through Christ. It is also where we avail ourselves to the grace of God. Therefore, your plan for saving marriage must include daily prayer for your spouse and your ability to love them.

A marriage that reflects God's image is a safe marriage. God is our refuge, therefore your marriage should be a refuge for both you and your spouse. A safe relationship is one where both husband and wife feel accepted even if there are disagreements. A plan for saving marriages needs to include a plan for safety. Neither spouse should ever have to worry about the proverbial nuclear bomb being dropped on them!

That's why a plan for saving marriages must address conflict. Your marriage can be free from condemnation, contempt, critical attitudes and defensiveness. It's your choice! It can be a place where you are quick to take responsibility for your own actions and slow to point your finger of blame. It is not, however, a marriage that is free from conflict. But, yours can be a marriage where both parties fight fair.

Finally, your saving marriages plan needs to include specific goals, goals that are written down. After all, God wrote down His plan...we call it the Bible! Isn't that a good enough reason for you to write down your plan for your marriage. Written goals are powerful. They help move a plan into motion.

Keep in mind, your goals need to be consistent with God's purpose for your marriage. Your goals will help you stay on track and give more purpose, meaning and direction to your marriage and family life. You may want to have goals in the following areas: Spiritual (we will study and pray together regularly), parenting (we will always be unified when disciplining the children), finances ( we will decide on a budget and stick to it), health (we will exercise regularly and eat right), communication (we will speak lovingly and respectfully to one another).

Well, that should be enough to get you started developing your own personal saving marriages plan. Remember, the Creator of marriage is in the business of saving marriages. Put your hope in the Lord for with Him is unfailing love and full redemption (Psalm 130:7).

Jean LeStourgeon, MA, is a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in private practice in Palm Bay, Florida. She also operates the website Christian Counseling Online where you can find lots more information and tools on topics like marriage problems and marriage advice.

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