Marriage Discrimination - Can an LLC Help

History has shown us that when any group is not allowed to fully participate in society, bad things happen.

Discrimination based on race, gender, religion, ethnic background, national origin, or sexual preference has run rampant throughout American history.

Women in the U.S. could not vote or run for office until 1920. Throughout history in many cultures, women and children were little more than property who could not own property.

In my native Virginia, blacks and whites could not legally marry until 1967. Slavery was moral, and a black man counted as 3/5 of a white man in the Constitution, and only in the "free" states.

"No __________ Need Apply"

Fill in your own favorites. Irish. Germans. Chinese.

Subjects like same-sex marriage evoke intense, overt, and cloaked emotional responses on so many levels as to guarantee a consensus will never be voluntarily reached.

Religious groups have a strong opinion. Governments at all levels take different stands and confuse the landscape. Individuals have their own agendas.

"Don't ask. Don't tell." Don't care?

Marriage was originally a religious ceremony and rite. Kings and queens were married by the Church, and clashed with the church when they didn't get to change marriage to suit their taste, as any fan of the Tudors series and Henry VIII well knows.

Problems often occur when governments get involved. Most have occurred in the past 100 years with the income tax in 1913 and standing armies after World War II. I won't go too deeply into the history, but how many financial breaks have been given to married couples in the tax code or as military dependents. The founding fathers were brilliant. Too bad we now have two institutions they would have never tolerated.

If the federal government had not created over 1,300 financial preferences and benefits available only to a one-man, one-woman married couple, same-sex marriage would not be an issue. Period. End of story.

These financial benefits were not created overnight. And as we discuss the 3 main groups who are affected by the current state of marriage in the U.S., it will become clear why the federal government will never voluntarily acquiesce regarding gay marriage.

First - some definitions:

LGBT - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender

GLBT - Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual, Transgender (will use LGBT as the more common term)

LGBTQ - Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender, Questioning

SSM - same-sex marriage

Gay Marriage - marriage between biologically male-male or female-female couples

Civil Unions - state benefit for LGBT couples not recognized by the federal government

Domestic Partnerships - state benefit for opposite sex or LGBT couples not recognized by the federal government

Polyamory - two or more in open, multiple loving relationships

LLC - Limited Liability Company

When I refer to same-sex or gay marriage, I will use the term LGBT marriage to be all inclusive.

Disclosure:

I am a white heterosexual male married to a black female who is Lawful Permanent Resident (green card holder) of the United States. (Yes, it matters. Spouses of citizens and LPR's can immigrate to the U.S. LGBT spouses cannot, even if married in a state that recognizes gay marriage.)

My nephew is a gay white male. Together we recently formed an LLC to help LGBT couples form their own LLCs to recover some - not all - of the benefits given to marrieds.

In the past, some have claimed that an LLC can replace the marriage contract. Not hardly. But it can effectively eliminate the need for a prenuptial agreement, create a structure for LGBT couples to manage their financial affairs, and provide for a smoother transition if the relationship breaks up. And like current marriages, about half will dissolve.

The Great LGBT Debate:

Conflict over recognition of gay marriage comes down on 3 sides:

1. Traditional - one-man, one-woman of legal age, and those who believe this is the only legitimate marriage

2. Gay Marriage - include any non-traditional marriage or those who want to but who cannot legally marry

3. Non-Marrieds - all those who could legally marry but who choose not to

How do you tell the difference?

Traditional married couples get the benefits of marriage but don't think anyone else should get them.

Gays who want to be in recognized, committed relationships believe they should receive equal benefits under the law as other married couples.

People who are single by choice believe that all citizens should be treated equally by government whether married or not.

What are the many privileges and benefits given to married couples automatically and denied to LGBT couples?

Property:

• equitable ownership based on marriage
• marital trusts (AB Trusts)
• QTIP and QDOT trusts

Taxes:

• joint filing
• creating a family partnership to distribute business income
• combined gift tax exemptions

Healthcare:

• health care decisions when spouse is incapacitated or in a medical emergency
• included in spouse's health care insurance
• the right to visit your partner in critical care
• right to take up to 12 weeks of unpaid leave to take care of an ill partner, parent, child, or parent of partner (Family and Medical Leave Act of 1993)
• right to purchase health insurance for a spouse after the loss of a job (COBRA)

Social Security:

• spousal survivor benefit
• spouse with a lower monthly benefit can choose to take either their benefit or one-half of the higher-earning spouse's benefit, whichever is greater
• larger benefits if deceased spouse had higher benefits
• lump-sum death payment to help with funeral expenses

Estates:

• inheritance in the absence of a will
• inheritance when married and not mentioned in a will (pretermitted spouse)
• favorable estate tax rules

Military:

• family medical and housing benefits
• survivor benefits
• veteran's benefits
• health care
• educational assistance
• home loan guarantees
• vocational training
• base housing/housing allowances
• separate maintenance
• relocation expenses
• PX

Federal Employment:

• survivor benefits including lost wages, worker's comp, health insurance, and retirement benefits
• health insurance for spouse

Immigration:

• "sponsor" your spouse for permanent residence
• also sponsor certain children of your spouse for permanent residence

Children:

• rights and responsibilities of parenting whether through birth, adoption, or surrogacy (if not the birth mother)
• visitation rights after "divorce"

Traditional/Anti-Gay Marriage Advocates:

The 1996 Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) limited federal recognition of marriage to opposite sex couples. In one page, the federal government codified right-wing Christian views and allowed states to ignore the Full Faith and Credit Clause of the U.S. Constitution and not recognize gay marriages performed in other states.

Point/Counterpoint:

1. The union between a man and a woman is the definition of marriage.

- Laws are created by man, and can be changed by man. Marriage has at least 2 definitions - what your religious authorities say it is, and what your civil authorities recognize. I take that back. The religious ceremony does not count unless the government issues a license.

2. Gays are not prohibited from getting married.

- True. They are just prohibited from marrying the person they love.

3. Gay marriage promotes deviant sexual behavior.

- LGBT individuals in committed relationships are less promiscuous.

4. Homosexuality is a choice.

- If homosexuality were a choice, and given the social stigma and discrimination, who would choose it.

5. Marriage is for procreation and family.

- If true, we would deny a marriage license to the infertile, impotent, and post-menopausal.

6. Children should not be raised in LGBT households.

- Love from parents is shown to be critical in child rearing, not gender. Even a convicted felon child molester can legally marry and procreate. If the government legalizes gay marriage, can LGBT adoption be far behind?

7. Gay marriage violates the sanctity of marriage.

- Whether or not a marriage is sacred is a religious call. What is sacred for one religion is not acceptable to another. Do we recognize plural marriage for American Muslims? Sanctity is a religious concept, not civil. Our government should not be in the business of sanctifying anything.

8. SSM is a threat to the institution of marriage.

- Marriage is a threat to marriage. How does anything with over a 50% failure rate need an outside threat?

9. Gay marriage threatens the continuation of the human race.

- Has anyone noticed a shortage of people lately? Are we all going LGBT?

10. Allowing LGBT marriage would be granting special rights to gays since they can already get married (to an opposite sex partner).

- LGBT couples are advocating for equal rights, not special. People want the right to marry the partner of their choice.

11. LGBT marriage will lead to legalized incest, bestiality, pedophilia, polygamy, and who knows what.

- Classic scare technique when other arguments fail. In countries where gay marriage is common, there has been no slide down the slippery slope to other activities.

12. Churches would be forced to marry LGBT couples against their doctrines.

- I especially like this one. When the government codifies Christian principles (one-man, one-woman marriage), that recognizes religious freedom and separation of church and state. If the government codifies a different belief, then the separation of church and state is out the window and churches will be forced to celebrate gay marriage. No church is forced to perform a marriage.

13. If LGBT marriage is legal, alternative lifestyles will be taught in the public schools.

- Why is any lifestyle being taught in the public schools? Is marriage one of the 3 Rs? Is it any wonder our kids are crushed in science and math competitions? What will result is a reduction in discrimination and intolerance toward LGBT individuals.

14. LGBT couple offends everything that religion and morality stand for.

- Morality is one of the most elastic and flexible concepts invented by man. Some U.S. churches perform wedding ceremonies. Most do not. Morality has nothing to do with it. Thou shalt not kill except the designated enemy. Thou shalt not steal, unless you call it taxes. How can someone violate a morality we cannot even define?

15. Homosexuality is unnatural.

- I think of this as the Christian conundrum. God is perfect. He created the world in his image. ("God don't make no junk.") Since God didn't make homosexuals, it must be a choice, like the choice to kill, steal, or be evil in general. Unfortunately, animal studies find homosexual behavior in about 450 species. Did God make that much junk?

16. The "OOOH" Factor. Just the thought of gay sex is repulsive.

- Finally a little honesty. But heterosexuals also get this feeling with unattractive members of the opposite sex. Only way to cure this one is to not think about it, which can be a problem for those still in the closet.

17. Gay marriage would violate sodomy laws.

- If marriage legalizes sex, then gay marriage and sodomy laws cannot coexist. Most sodomy laws have been shot down by the Supreme Court. Many were used against straight couples engaging in oral or anal sex. Sodomy laws are an ultimate tool for selective enforcement against homosexuals.

Gay Couples Seeking Marriage:

For LGBT adults seeking to proclaim their commitments to each other, marriage is more than legalized sex.

Reasons to legalize LGBT marriages:

1. Equal rights.

The right to marry the person of your choice is considered a fundamental human right. Coercion is considered wrong, whether it is to a person your family forced you to marry or to a person of a gender you are not attracted to.

2. Legal rights.

One of the most troubling situations for LGBT couples involves emergency and terminal medical care. In most states, with a Durable Power of Attorney for Healthcare, a same-sex partner can make no decisions about the partner's health care. Family members who disapprove of the relationship can even deny visitation to the patient in the hospital.

At this time, a partner is not considered a "spouse, or next of kin."

Without an explicit directive in a will, a long time partner could be shut out of funeral arrangements and inheritance, even for property that was jointly held.

One would assume that adoptions will also increase as individuals who want a family but who cannot procreate take on the responsibilities for children in need.

3. Financial benefits.

Same-sex couples are denied 1,300+ benefits available to straight married couples. Why are they paying more in taxes and receiving less in benefits? Discrimination exposes the major flaw of democracy - mob rule.

Financial advantages that apply to male-female marriages should apply to all marriages.

4. Discrimination.

Prohibition against LGBT marriage is another form of discrimination against minorities that is currently acceptable to the majority.

Before 1967, it was illegal for a white man to be married to a black woman in Virginia (Loving v. Virginia). The couple was legally married in D.C. and arrested when they lived as man and wife in Virginia. (As with DOMA, no Full Faith and Credit Clause recognition of the D.C. wedding, as is the case today if the couple were gay and had married in Massachusetts.)

Discrimination over our history has been shown to dehumanize select members of our society and to damage our society as a whole.

5. Biology.

Same-sex attraction is biologically determined. Love is what counts. Why should LGBT individuals be forced to deny their nature?

6. Advantages for society.

LGBT couples are more stable and responsible and help society in general. Risky, promiscuous behavior is curtailed. More parents are available to adopt orphans in need. Strong family values benefit everyone.

Allowing gay marriages helps, not hurts, society.

Marriage is a commitment between 2 individuals. How does it hurt others outside of the relationship? Again, we see how adding religion or the government as a third party to the contract causes problems.

My opinion is that when we stop making gay marriage such a big deal, it won't be such a big deal?

Unmarrieds:

Single, divorced, widowed, never-married, and don't want to be married have a simple agenda.

Stop screwing us.

Get rid of all preferences for marrieds over unmarrieds.

Just stop it.

Equal protection under the law. Then all of the other issues go away.

DINKS

DINKS are an advertisers dream. Dual income, no kids. The LGBT community is America's wealthiest consumer demographic.

I hate to say it, but I believe that the economic success of the LGBT community is a golden goose the USG will not kill.

Follow the money.

In a bad economy, how much tax revenue would the government lose if LGBT couples were given all the financial benefits given to male-female marrieds? How many more federal and state benefits will LGBT couples receive if treated fairly?

I don't see the government giving in any time soon.

The LLC Solution

In all fairness, I should say it's a temporary and partial solution. Nothing can replace all of the financial benefits of marriage except complete LGBT marriage or complete elimination of benefits to marrieds.

The red states are too numerous and politically connected to offer social equality.

In the meantime, LGBT couples can use a Limited Liability Company to recover some of the rights given automatically to male-female married couples.

Can an LLC replace a marriage contract? Of course not, but it's your financial base. It could easily take the place of a prenuptial agreement even in states where gay marriage is recognized.

An LLC is NOT a:

• complete substitute for marriage
• contract for sex
• personal services contract

What an LLC can do:

• clarify your financial rights and responsibilities
• serve as a public declaration of your commitment to each other
• determine what cash or property each party will contribute to the LLC
• determine how profits from the LLC are to be distributed
• specify how the property will be divided in case the LLC is dissolved
• avoid arguments if the relationship breaks up and the LLC is terminated
• keep separate property distinct from joint property
• shift liability for debts from the individuals to the LLC
• can provide benefits like health insurance
• may provide additional tax benefits and deductions

An LLC accomplishes many of the aspects of a prenuptial agreement without the personal negative connotations. An LLC is a business - no "if you really loved me you wouldn't ask me to sign a prenup" drama.

In the event that same-sex marriage becomes the law of the land, your financial affairs are already in place.

LGBT couples can use an LLC as a base. This is where you want to keep your joint property. You may have individual LLCs or other entities like trusts and partnerships, but save this base LLC for property you own jointly with your partner.

Next step:

If you and your partner(s) fall into one of the following categories, I hope you will visit our blog to learn more about a Secure Couple LLC ™ and how it can help you:

- LGBT couples
- elderly considering remarriage
- non-traditional family units
- polyamory groups of loving individuals
- sugardaddy/mistress
- single moms/baby daddies

While LGBT couples may have the greatest need, trust me, we don't discriminate.

Until same-sex marriages, domestic partnerships, and civil unions are recognized by the federal government, LGBT and alternative families will have to rely on a combination of a Secure Couple LLC ™ and other legal documents to gain even a small portion of the 1,300+ legal and financial benefits available to married couples.

Visit http://securecouplellc.com for more information on how to structure your life to claim your relationship until society and the law catch up with reality.

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Is Marriage an Outdated Institution?

According to the most recent statistics, the divorce rate, often quoted (even by this author in classes) as 50% of marriages, is actually closer to the low 40 percentile. (Divorce Rate: It's Not as High as You Think, By Dan Hurley, The New York Times, April 19, 2005). But that does not negate the fact that the United States has the highest divorce rate in the world per capita. The fact that so many American marriages end in divorce leads to the question is marriage an outdated institution? I think the answer is dependent on some of your personal variables.

First, let us look at the facts: over 40% of marriages end in divorce. This does not simply infer that the in tact marriages are happy. This author attended a lecture by a respected psychiatrist, rabbi, and author who suggested that another half of the in-tact marriages were unhappy. Per capita, the United States has the highest divorce rate in the world.

The average duration of a marriage in the U.S is about 7 to 8 years. And although marriage is an institution which makes childrearing most efficacious, marriages in which there are children end in divorce with a higher frequency than those marriages without children.

Yet marriage remains an institution that many would not think of doing away with or even restructuring. Likely even the question of marriage being an outdated institution raises eyebrows. A controversial issue in this country currently is whether gays should have the right to marry, again showing the attachment to this social institution. Many young people wouldn't dream of not getting married. In fact, many women have been dreaming about their impending nuptials since they were young children. This is not only true for women, as many men assume marriage and children are a foregone conclusion in their lives.

So what is this author's argument that the idea of marriage might be outdated? Well, beyond the statistics above, I also believe that as the Dali Lama said, "Our purpose in life is to be happy. From the very core of our being, we simply desire contentment." This is becoming more and more true today, as more people seek happiness. Marriage is a source of lasting happiness for some, but for others it is only a temporary high.

The first argument that marriage might be outdated is the divorce rate. Marriage has been around as an institution since, well, according to anything found in this author's research, ancient time. It was reported as necessary for childrearing, property disbursement, and bloodline. In these times it was more necessary to have a partnership to survive. Even more than partnerships, tribes were necessary for survival. As times changed, neighborhoods became like tribes, and small communities worked together to enhance the lives of all. But Western civilization has continued to move toward a more individualistic culture. Today people are less likely to even socialize with their neighbors, let alone rely on them. It is true some areas are bound by their neighborhood, and the community works together to enhance the life of its members. But this is becoming less and less true. As an example, how many "daycare centers" for children were there 50 years ago?

As this culture becomes more individual focused, bonds with others for survival becomes less important. We now pay people to do the things we used to accomplish in a partnership. Restaurants and fast food chains, once relegated to occasional family outings, are a main source of nourishment. There are agencies that will deliver "home-cooked meals" to you or have them ready for pick-up. Cleaning staff, once limited to the rich or to businesses, are being used by the middle-class. Both parents are working, focusing on their careers, their paths toward self individuation, and more tedious tasks like yard work are being hired out. The point, partnerships are less necessary than they were 60 years ago.

That is the social reason that the institution of marriage may be outdated. But the social influence does not stand alone. These changes impact individuals and individuals make up a marriage. So what are some of the individual characteristics that may contribute to marriage being an outdated concept? First, as discussed above, it is the desire for individuation by those in a marriage. More and more often people want to have meaning in their life, beyond raising a family. We are culture whose individuals want to be different. Americans want to stand out. They want to feel they accomplished something for themselves. As such, simply supporting a partner to achieve feels inadequate to many. They also want to achieve, and to be supported in their endeavors. This alone can contribute to strife in a marriage. Whose needs come first? How long do I put my goals on the back burner to help you attain yours? When can I pursue my happiness?

Another aspect of this is the drive toward excitement and experience. For some people, experience is more important than possessions. Some people just enjoy experience, for its own sake. They may be thrill seekers, or may just place a high value on novel experiences. These people just enjoy doing new things and meeting new people. At one point in time these characters might have been explorers, adventurers, or other types of risk takers. It seems though, that this is becoming much more common as a character trait these days. And folks with this character trait are likely to find the routine of marriage stifling.

There are other reasons that marriages may fail that are related to society. For one, despite many marriages failing or being unhappy, we live in a culture that romanticizes marriage. People are constantly told they will find their soul mate, that if this relationship doesn't workout, another will come along who might be "the one." In reality, how often are you able to accurately predict who your "one" is? Most people getting married believe they found the one. And when that doesn't work and they remarry, they often believe this time they found the one. And this isn't limited only to those who marry. How many people did you get romantically involved with who at some point you thought were probably "the one"? Perhaps this concept, which shows no signs of dying despite the evidence against it, is at worst mere wishful thinking, or at best, a long-shot.

Along with this idea of marriage being romanticized is the desire to simply have a wedding. First, a wedding is a beautiful thing. The pageantry, the pomp, and the beauty of it all results in it being majestic. Everyone should have one. It just doesn't seem they should have to stay together forever as a result. In a recent discussion with a colleague who was discussing marriage, she reported she wanted to get married. It wasn't that she necessarily wanted to marry the guy she was with, but that she wanted to get married to someone. She discussed the beauty of a wedding, and how it would be a shame to miss out on that. Everyone wants to be Cinderella or Prince Charming for a night. This is not uncommon thinking. But does the expectation have to be that they will stay together for a lifetime? (There was an article two years ago about a politician in a European country advocating a law that marriages expire after seven years, with the opportunity to renew. Of course she was mocked and ridiculed).

Another point of discussion for why marriages may fail focuses on the fact that many people get married before having been on their own. Recently one of my students, when discussing her relationship, actually said she didn't want to be alone for the rest of her life. She couldn't have been more than 27, although early 20's is more likely. For some reason this is a predominant fear in our culture (this could evolve into an existential discussion, but that is better placed in another article). There seems to be a myth that if you don't find someone, and latch onto them, you will be lonely and miserable, possibly for the rest of your life. Many people seem to settle so they don't have to face this fear. Ultimately, this fear becomes less predominant, and the person may leave the marriage. But the real culprit was the fear leading to settling.

Too often, marriage is an attempt to posses another. When humans love someone, they are afraid to let them go. People are afraid of loss. And what better way to secure someone than marriage? Marriage provides a {false} sense of security. It definitely makes ending the relationship more difficult.

But beyond just the fear of being alone is the fact that if you haven't been on your own you are used to a cycle of dependency. First people are dependent on their caregivers. And if they go from this state to one of marriage, they have never really been independent. There has always been someone else helping out. Outside of simply being dependent, there is a level of maturation that comes from living on your own and not being in a romantic relationship. One learns to nurture oneself, to care for oneself, to be independent in the truest sense of the word. Unfortunately, many who enter marriage have never really experienced this.

This discussion of personal growth leads me to another point regarding how the changing times have altered individual's character. These days more people are interested in their own personal growth. As people grow and change the risk of growing apart increases. When most people in their forties think of what they were like in their twenties, they can usually see the tremendous changes that have occurred. This is even truer when personal growth is a goal. And with one or even both partners growing and changing, the potential for growth in opposing directions is a possibility. And even if you don't grow apart, there is the possibility of a loss of attraction for your partner, and growing attraction for others you meet on your path.

Attraction is one of my favorite areas of psychology. The reason one individual is attracted to another is rich with possibility. For some, there is a reminiscence of something deeply enjoyed in the past. A client recently discussed how the attraction to each of her recent relationships related to two important men in her life. This is excellent evidence of this phenomenon.

For some people they believe this person they are with is the best they will ever be able to get. Sometimes this comes from feelings of low self esteem, but this is not always the case. Often there is a bargaining process which goes on inside of us when considering a romantic partner. We have this much beauty, smarts, financial potential, humor, etc, and we want equal value. Too much value and we might be insecure. Too little, and well we are getting the short end of the stick. But beyond all of this is the most common reason one individual is attracted to another: early childhood memory. This article is not the appropriate place for this discussion, so I refer the reader to "A General Theory of Love" by Lewis, Amini, and Lannon.

In short the above book systematically provides a theory that purports that all experiences, but most importantly early childhood experiences, affect the choices we make in close relations. If we had dysfunction in our home, we continue this pattern in other relations.

This leads to another reason marriages may not remain in tact as they used to, and hence may be an outdated concept. Bluntly, pathology is less accepted now. In the past, abuse, issues of control, alcoholism, addiction, and mental illness were hidden in a closet. These days' people are more psychologically informed. They are more aware that being mistreated is not acceptable, that it is not a reflection on them. They are less likely to tolerate behavior which contributes to their unhappiness. And furthermore, they are more likely than their predecessors to read self-help books, engage in therapy and resolve the issues that result in staying somewhere they are unhappy. They are even more likely to resolve the issues that lead to the attraction to begin with, which would result in the attraction dissipating.

So is marriage an outdated concept? It is possible after reading this article you may think this author believes so. And for many people, I do believe marriage is an outdated concept. And I am not alone, although likely in the minority (judging from the comments posted on the article "On Marriage: Let's Call the Whole Thing Off" posted on MSN June 228, 2009). But I do marriage counseling, and believe marriage is right for many other people. The goal is to find if you are right for marriage. And ultimately whether marriage is an outdated concept or not is a personal decision.

Some of the things you might look at before making the decision are your motives for marriage. Are you buying into a preconceived notion of what is supposed to be, without evaluating your values? Have you been planning your wedding since you were young and do you just refuse to give up on the dream, regardless of how your personality might affect long term commitment? Are you devoutly religious, and believe that pleasing God comes before personal happiness? If you believe marriage is for you, and you have evaluated your motives, then far be it for any article to sway you. Just realize marriage is work, and it will be important to forgo your happiness at times to maintain the marriage. And keep your hope. Even if marriage is an outdated concept, everyone has the right to make the choices they make. Good luck on your path.

William Berry MS., CAP.
Program Director
Addiction Education Consultants
http://www.addictioneducationconsultants.com
954 306-0722

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Marriage Vows

It is said that marriages are made in heaven and marriage vows are sacred in nature. Whatever may be the truth, marriage is one of the oldest human institutions surviving through ages and still doing fine. In fact it is one of those primary relationships which give rise to a family which in turn leads to the higher social structures and the society. Marriage has undergone tremendous change over thousands of years. Today in few parts of the world and in few societies, marriage is an established social structure for a primary relationship between a Man and Women based on equality and shared bonding.
Marriage vows: The reality

But this may not be true as black and white. If we analyze the marriage structure across societies around the world we will find lot of grey areas which are of concern. We may find that in many societies women are purchased like commodities at the market place. Here the criterion for selection is the amount of dowry the Women brings with her. In many more societies the only role of women in marriage is reproduction, procreation and bringing up the next generation. In such marriages it has been seen that women has to sacrifice her individuality at the expense of the family. Ironically such sacrifices are accepted as strict norms and rules for the women involved in the marriage but they are not applicable for the men. So in real terms marriage becomes a burden for the women involved. It becomes one of the classic tools of suppression and exploitation of women. All kinds of evil deeds against women are seen in the guise of marriage like the physical and mental torture of women in the name of dowry or covert and overt ways of control of women through the marriage including a check on their physical, psychological, financial, social and religious independence.

Marriage vows: The positive side

Nevertheless marriage is an institution which is worthwhile to preserve for the sake of all the positive advantages it offers to the society. Marriage allows the couple a life of love and commitment to each other and it provides a stable and protective environment for bringing up the next generation. Marriage helps us to live a life of love, compassion, sharing, caring and commitment which not only involves the self but also others in the family. In fact this is an institution which if properly understood and incorporated as part of our lives, can help us in evolving as a more refined human being who is capable of caring for others and who cares for the nature itself. Therefore marriage vows are sacred in nature.

Marriage vows: Interpretation of love in marriage

On the other hand marriage can also become a living hell if there is no love between the partners in the marriage. Now love in today's society has a very-very narrow meaning. Most of the marriages which have failed have sown the seeds of their own down fall either because of the evil practices which I had mentioned earlier or because of the "lack of love, bonding & mutual care" between the partners. When a person interprets lack of love and caring most of the times he/she ends up telling about only his/her needs which are perceived not to be fulfilled ignoring the other persons unfulfilled needs from the marriage. This is pure selfishness based only on one's self interest. This is not love. In fact this might have been a relationship where both the individuals only cared about their own needs ignoring the other person's aspirations and his/her needs. Always it has been seen that a marriage which is moving towards a failure has self interest as the primary cause of failure. Further the negative and manipulative developments due to the so called friends and relatives compound the problem to a great extent.

Marriage vows: No single answer for failure or success

There can be lot of angles through which we can analyze why a particular marriage was a failure or for that matter why majority of marriages are a big success even in today's materialistic world.

Marriage vows: Building the essential structures for married life

Speaking in a broader sense, I feel every marriage can work if people can look at their marriage through the spiritual, intellectual, mental, emotional and the physical planes strictly according to the order that I have mentioned. When we start looking the marriage through the spiritual dimension then the whole "scheme of the nature" opens in front of us. Then we can see the larger purpose of the marriage and we can see the meaning of the marriage in terms of what it can offer to the individuals involved, what it can offer to the family that is raised, what it can offer to the near and dear ones from both the sides and most importantly what it can offer to the society and the humanity at large.

Marriage vows: Living the real life

For the germination of a thinking based on holism and unification, we need to come out of our "outer exterior" that we portray to the world and live the real life we cherish and value. It is paramount for the couple to discus and open up their soul's true urge to each other and then synthesize a common structure at the spiritual level. They should know why they are coming together and how they see themselves together in the short term, the medium term and the long term. The couple should discuss their purpose of coming together in depth which in turn will provide the awareness and inclination to lay a structure and framework towards achieving their mutually synthesized purpose.

Marriage vows: Marriage with a mutually synthesized purpose

When the couple starts living their life dedicated to their mutually synthesized purpose, they will find that they are truly becoming independent and free in their growth as an individual and still remaining complementary and beneficial to each other, their near and dear ones and the society at large. Such a mutually complementary life sows the seed of real love and commitment which considers the total well being of not only the self but also the other person, the extended family, the society and the world.

Marriage vows: Highest foundation of spiritual awakening

Once a couple start living their life with their inner voice as the supreme guiding force, the world will start respecting them as individuals as well as a couple. People and society will then seek suggestions and advice from the couple and further they will have only suggestions and advise to offer to the couple. In fact the world will lose the power to interfere in the couple's day-to-day life.

Such a marriage based on the highest foundation of spiritual awakening based on our soul's desire is bound to succeed. A life lived with our inner soul's voice can never ever lead us to a wrong direction. It may throw up hurdles and barriers but it will also help us develop the strength and resourcefulness to invent ways to overcome these hurdles and barriers.

Marriage vows: Solid foundation for a marriage

Once we have a solid foundation based on the spiritual and the intuitional wisdom, we can start expanding the same into the intellectual, mental, emotional and physical planes. We can then think about the way we will use our keen intellect and mental energies to deal with the issues and people in our life. We will be then able to handle the negativity around us more rationally. We will then stop condemning a negative person and also stop becoming ourselves negative. On the other hand we will then try asking questions like, why this person is generating so much negativity. Are we the cause of it? Or is this person so negative because of his/her circumstances and past experiences? Whatever the cause may be, we will be then able to either solve the negativity or avoid the negativity without condemning the person involved and without we falling into the negativity trap. This will also help us to come out of the "blame game" which is so typical of today's society.

Further this kind of thinking will allow us to understand the negative and positive structures and help us to build on the positive structures of life and simultaneously either resolve, downplay or avoid the negative structures. We therefore prevent ourselves from getting into the negative spiral.

Thus with strong spiritual and intuitional wisdom as our foundation in life and with sound intellectual and mental balance to distinguish between the negative and positive structures of life it will become very easy for us to live in the emotional and physical planes. This will make us live a life with emotional and physical commitment to our near and dear ones, it will help us in starting a family with true commitment and dedication, it will help us in bringing the next generation in a protective and nurturing environment and it will help us in creating financial and material resources to look after us, our families and to be helpful to the society at large with the additional resources in hand.

Marriage vows: Integration of life at every level

Only by living a life which synthesizes and integrates the spiritual, intuitional, intellectual, mental and physical planes, we can think about living a life in sync with nature and our inner self. This makes us part of the nature's scheme of things in bringing the unification of forces. We need to believe in this unification of forces and actively practice in establishing it through motivating and strongly cajoling each other towards it. Only if this is done, we can think about bringing positive forces in our life and only then we can move ahead in life taking everybody along with us.

Marriage vows: Rupture in the marital relations

Now if a couple can work on the above mentioned platform from the beginning, the synthesis of life becomes easy. On the other hand if the marriage is already in trouble because of all the negative structures of the past and if the couple is trying to work out the process of rapprochement then they should keep one thing in their mind that is the whole process of rapprochement is a slow and steady process and it will evolve as per the will of the nature.

We should not think of pushing it or hastening it as nature has its own course of action. We are nobody to control nature. It may take months and years to break the negative structures and thus clear the bad blood and animosity between everybody involved. The miracles of nature happen slowly and steadily.

We need to understand the fact that to break and destroy things is easier and faster. To build a new structure from the ruins, it takes great courage, commitment and lot of time. As they say the real character of a person is known by how he/she acts in the times of adversity.

Marriage vows: Finding a win-win situation

In the troubled times, the rapprochement and counseling session should work on the immediate goal of finding a working solution to prevent the complete collapse of the marriage by offering a win-win situation to everybody involved.

Marriage vows: Open communication

The most important thing in this regard will be an open and free communication between the couple involved as well as the true well wishers of the couple who want to see them back together. This communication should not become a blame-game session nor should it become a session of dominating each other. These communication sessions should explore the possibility of constructing a middle ground to live a life based on the structures of spiritual, intellectual, mental, emotional and physical well being of everybody concerned.

Marriage vows: The choice is with the couple

Therefore it is indeed in the hands of the partners involved in the marriage to either make marriage vows sacred or make marriage a living hell for themselves. The choice is indeed with them and nobody else.

For free information and advice on topics and issues related to women, visit http://www.rise-of-womanhood.org

http://www.rise-of-womanhood.org

This site envisions the rise of womanhood in true sense that is the rise of the "essence" of womanhood in the physical, mental, intellectual and the spiritual planes. It calls for the beginning of a campaign for the true rise of women in all spheres of life for the restoration of the balance in nature.

Somewhere we have to make a beginning and it's always better if we make the initiation at our own self. We can strengthen this mass movement for the "rise of womanhood" by bringing about the necessary changes in our own life as felt by our inner self. Further we can transmit the new thinking to others who care to listen. A small step today will definitely lead to a giant leap tomorrow.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Sanjay_Kali

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Don't Spitz Out! 3 Tips For Marriage CPR

You know more today about Elliott Spitzer's marriage than his wife did last month. That's a scary thought if you're her, and also probably for you. Do you wonder about your own marriage?

Everything seemed fine to everyone around the Spitzers, maybe like it does to everyone around you. After all, who could ask for anything more? Money, prestige, power-the Spitzers had it all, right? If that's true, then why did their marriage "Spitz Out?" And how did it get so out of control? (Call girls?) All of which begs the question you're asking: "How can I keep my marriage from Spitzing Out?"

Having coached thousands of couples over three decades as a Marriage Coach, some of whom have had affairs, Dr. Joey Faucette says most wives and husbands want to stay married, but just don't know how to consistently keep their marriage vital and alive. They struggle with how to recover from relationship rips that tear at the heart of the marriage. The necessary healing never happens, their affections alienate, and they Spitz Out.

Like you, they're just not sure how to do Marriage CPR and avoid Spitzing Out.

There are some common characteristics that successful couples live into to perform CPR on their marriage. You can learn and live these tips daily so your marriage doesn't Spitz Out.

THE FIRST TIP: CONSERVE YOUR MARRIAGE

The heart of your marriage requires that both of you conserve your marriage just as carefully as the paramedics try to conserve your heart muscle and get it beating again when you suffer a heart attack.

How do you conserve your marriage's heart like successful couples do?

You make your relationship with your spouse a priority, of primary importance, first place among all of the other relationships. You take care of your marriage relationship first before you do anything else, making sure that it's beating enough to sustain the life of your marriage.

What does this look like in your everyday world?

Basically it means you don't give all of your "best self," your energy and attention to other relationships such as work. You Conserve your energy and attention so that when you come home at the end of the day, you have lots of your "best self" to share with your spouse.

When you give away your primary energy and attention to work or some other relationship, you replace your marriage as the priority relationship in your world. You commit emotional adultery, giving away to another without conserving enough of you to share with your spouse at the end of the day.

How do you know when you're in an emotionally adulterous affair with work? Answer these questions honestly:

1. How many days a week do I work so intensely that I can't carry my end of a conversation with my spouse?

2. How many weeks do I work more than 45 hours?

3. How many months have passed since I planned a special evening or get-away weekend with my spouse-just the two of us?

Your answers to these questions aren't intended to create a paralyzing guilt, but a motivating drive to change your habits. Your choices are:

a. conserve time, energy, and attention for your spouse, or;

b. Spitz Out!

As with any form of CPR, your immediate attention increases the survival rate. Don't delay by wondering if you're having an emotional adulterous affair with work or someone else. If your answers create even a suspicion you might be, act now like there is no tomorrow. What can you do to conserve your marriage?

Try these immediate actions:

1. Conserve your energy and attention today. Let others own their situations and problems.

2. If you've worked too much this week, take off early Friday afternoon and do something fun.

3. Call your spouse right now and plan an experience for just the two of you.

The first way not to Spitz Out in your marriage and stay married is to Conserve energy and attention for your marriage, treating your spouse as if he or she is your most important relationship. The C in Marriage CPR that prevents you from Spitzing Out is to Conserve energy and attention.

THE SECOND TIP: PRESERVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Do you remember how when you were dating, your spouse took your breath away?

When you decide not to Spitz Out so you have a healthy Marriage, you Preserve certain qualities in your relationship that you found so appealing when you were dating. You breathe life from your dating days back into your marriage.

Just as CPR for the body requires restarting the heart, your marriage Conserves and the heart beats again. Next, just as CPR breathes new breath into the lungs, so you Preserve your marriage with a new breath of life.

Your daily life seems intent on knocking the breath out of your marriage at times, doesn't it? There's so much that hits you marked "Urgent" or "Important" whether it's at work or at home. Fending off these blows is critical to not Spitzing Out in your marriage.

Here's how you can fend off those blows that knock the breath of your marriage and breathe life back into your relationship by Preserving your marriage:

1. If you sent your then-girlfriend-now-wife flowers at work on the monthly anniversary of your first date and she loved it, send her flowers at work on the monthly anniversary of your wedding or first date for a few months. I promise-she hasn't forgotten what you did while you were dating!

2. If you played golf with your then-boyfriend-now-husband at least one weekend a month while dating, do it again. If it's been awhile since you two played together, be prepared to call 9-1-1, but he'll recover. He hasn't forgotten what you did for him while dating!

Couples far too often relax after saying "I do," almost as if they say, "I'm done." They date each other hard, then put up the relationship as if they were finished trying. Breathe back into your marriage relationship those dating qualities that you remember and cherish. Get them out of your head as memories and into your everyday world as marriage savers.

The second way to not Spitz Out in your marriage and do CPR on your marriage is to Preserve your dating qualities in your relationship. Successful couples discover it prevents you from smiling and dialing call girls. The P in Marriage CPR that prevents you from Spitzing Out is to Preserve great qualities.

THE THIRD TIP: RESERVE YOUR MARRIAGE

Once you Conserve the heart of your marriage by making it the most important relationship you're in, and once you Preserve the breath of your marriage by breathing those dating qualities back into your marriage, then you are ready to Resuscitate your marriage. You Reserve time to live a great married life.

The time vampires constantly fly around your home, just waiting for a chance to suck the minutes out of your marriage. And the choices aren't always between "good" and "bad" things, but often it's between "good, better, and best."

When you do CPR on your marriage, you Reserve time for what's best for your relationship with your spouse. Now the obvious times to reserve are anniversaries and birthdays. Successful couples that don't Spitz Out do more than the obvious. Be creative. Here are four ideas you can implement almost immediately.

1. Celebrate the anniversary of your first date. Talk about what you remember of it. If you have children at home, tell them the story of your first date-at least the parts you want them to know about right now.

2. Reserve time for each other at least three evenings a week to talk. Your conversation doesn't have to be "heavy" navel-gazing. It can be about who you saw or spoke to today that you haven't seen in a while or what you ate for lunch that was delicious. Just communicate.

3. Reserve time and plan a date night weekly.

4. Reserve time to celebrate spontaneously by planning "Just Because" experiences. Every couple of months or so, have a "Happy Tuesday" celebration for no reason other than it's a Tuesday.

Time is a non-renewable resource. Once you spend it, that minute is gone. There is no second chance to recycle. Invest your greatest asset-time-in your marriage relationship.

The third way to avoid a Spitz Out in your marriage and stay married is to Reserve time for your relationship with your spouse. Successful couples find it keeps your intimacy delightfully intense at home. The R in Marriage CPR that prevents you from Spitzing Out is to Reserve time.

START YOUR MARRIAGE CPR TODAY!

Don't Spitz Out. Do CPR on your marriage:

1. Conserve the heart of your energy and attention for your spouse,

2. Preserve your dating qualities and breathe those into your marriage, and;

3. Resuscitate your Marriage by Reserving time to for each other,

and live hapily ever after!

Marriage Coach Dr. Joey Faucette has helped thousands of couples over the last three decades to avoid the emotional and financial devastation of divorce and discover the satisfaction and stimulation of Staying Married Forever. You go to the C.O.R.E. of your marriage when you live into the joy of Conflict resolution, the strength of how Opposites attract, the understanding of your Relevant issues, and the pleasure that comes with knowing how to Express yourself.

Go deep into the C.O.R.E. of your marriage with Dr. Joey Faucette through Couple Coaching, the Ultimate At-Home Study Course, teleseminars, and other effective Stay Married Forever resources. Go to http://www.StayMarriedForever.org or call 1.877.4DRJOEY now.

While you're at http://www.StayMarriedForever.org get your FREE CD of Dr. Joey's Top 10 Ways to Stay Married Forever. Look under Resources and get yours today.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Joey_Faucette

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